I found out I was going to become a mother on January of 2013. I was a 19 year old college student with many goals. And those goals did not include children! However, despite my shock to find out I was pregnant, I was actually very happy to be expecting a child. I have always been looking forward to motherhood and since marriage came early for me (18 years old), so did motherhood.
I quickly got over being scared and immediately began loving my growing baby. I prayed over my belly, talked to my baby and read every pregnancy app known to man. I began to think I knew more about pregnancy than my own doctor (ha!). To say I was excited is an understatement.
As my due date approached, I became anxious to meet my little guy. I can still remember how I’d sit next to his crib and just stare at it and dream about the baby that will be in there soon. I packed my hospital bag sooner than I should have and I made sure I had everything I needed (or thought I needed). My little boys clothes were washed and folded. I waited for the big day with so much happiness.
Finally, the day arrived! As I was about to go to sleep at 2am, I felt a cramp and so I turned to get comfortable. However, ten minutes later, the cramp returned. So annoying! I turned again. And guess what came back ten minutes later? The cramp. So after being very annoyed, a light bulb lit up above my head. Holy cow! Contractions! Every single cell in my body was filled with excitement as I began to count my contractions. However, when I’d get a painful one and look over at my husband peacefully sleeping, I wanted to (lovingly) punch him in the face.
About 30 hours later, a lot of pain and 10 minutes of pushing my very first baby boy had arrived!
Now, fast forward to 8 months later.
I was a 20 year old mother who worked as an administrative assistant in a financial firm. I walked in to work and realized I had missed my period (yeah, those were really my thoughts walking in to the office). So I panicked and speed walked to the nearest drug store during a 15 minute coffee break. I took the pregnancy test in the office bathroom and BAM! two lines. Positivo. Of course, I freaked! But just like the first time, I quickly got over my shock and began to lovingly prepare.
I had two very different pregnancies physically. However, emotionally, they were very similar. And so was postpartum.
After having both babies, instead of beaming with joy, I was sad. (Wait. What?) Yeah. Really sad. I had absolutely no reason whatsoever to feel sad but I did and I didn’t understand why! No one told me I’d feel this way! I cried a lot and worried so much. I felt overwhelmed and I felt as if no one understood me. I couldn’t reach out to any body because I was afraid people would think I didn’t love my children. But that wasn’t the case.
No one ever prepares you for the emotions of motherhood. 15% of women experience some type of postpartum mood disorder. Thankfully in my case, I had postpartum blues for about two weeks and then went back to myself and was able to enjoy my family. But not every mother quickly heals from a mood disorder.
My heart and love goes out to every mother who is currently going through or has endured any type of postpartum mood disorder. It’s definitely something many experience and few talk about. If you can relate, take a deep breath mama. I am sure you are doing the best you can. I understand you. Big hugs.
a loving mama.